Category: Joke Board
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes
the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine
whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine
your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c)
sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have
received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort.
Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel
traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are
becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern,
anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your
teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the
vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down
your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means
learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged
daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last
more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant
soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going
to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have
completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap
themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently
strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you
are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not
have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These
others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants
because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because
some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me
eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give
her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the
doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so
hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a
year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look
adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast
selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged
daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her
into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time
she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something
entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes,
for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents,
who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager
for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion
has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.
If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you
expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl
back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.
I think I prefer the Jimmy Dean - To A Sleeping Beauty version; albeit W. Bruce Cameron's is much closer to the truth!
For sentimentality, Jimmy Dean can't be beat. But, this sure brings back nightmares.
Thanks Becky.
Bob